Thursday, February 27, 2014

Depression, Mending and Finding the Blessings

A friend asked me the other day about how I was doing and how my state of mind was... Was I "depressed"...

I guess I am blessed to say that I've never succumbed to depression. Regardless of why people get depressed, whether from brain chemistry, biological factors, hormones, DNA or life events, I have been fortunate to have never experienced it.

While I've met people who have struggled with depression their entire lives and truly need medication to cope, I always wondered, "Why not me?" When I was going through divorce and feared losing my children, I was scared, but never got depressed. When the economy tanked and I lost my business, my home, my car... when my second wife left... still, no depression.

I've always wondered if my lack of depression was due to my perspective on life. Now that I have...
  • Lost 1/2 of my tongue
  • Have a huge crazy looking scar on my forearm that everyone think looks like a giant sperm
  • Had my neck permanently disfigured from the removal of my lymph nodes
  • Have a tongue that screams with pain from most foods
  • Found out that I have dozens of permanent titanium clips embedded into my throat from surgery
  • Lost my resonant radio voice in exchange for a voice that makes me feel less confident in how others perceive me
  • Went from having a strong, muscular physique to being a skinny lightweight, having lost 60lbs because of all of my cancer treatment
  • Been unable to sleep more than a few hours without waking up in excruciating pain from a dry tongue from loss of my salivary gland function...
You would think I would be depressed. Geez... even I think I should be depressed, right? When my friend asked about depression, I told her that I have never been depressed before because of how I see my situation. I am never angry about what has happened nor do I feel self pity. Don't get me wrong... I really wish this hadn't happened to me, but I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to deal with this either... so, as I've said before, "Why not me?"

What have I gained from tragedy? I am now:
  • No longer dealing with borderline diabetes and my blood sugar levels are completely normal
  • At a healthy weight and my heart is less stressed with my new body size
  • Living with blood pressure that is actually low 
  • Not in a house I cannot afford
  • Not driving a car worth less than I owe
  • Completely loved by my three beautiful, intelligent daughters 
  • Blessed to have found healing between my girl's mother and myself and am able to demonstrate true forgiveness with her as an example to others
  • Forced to slow down and contemplate life while I take time to write my next book and learn to paint
  • Most importantly, I AM ALIVE
I really am blessed.  The good news is that I am mending. Where just a few weeks ago, my immune system was shot, compromised because of the ravages of chemo and radiation therapies, my white blood cell count is now in the normal range, showing that I can once again fight off disease and other life-threatening illnesses. 

For now, I am "taking one day at a time"... currently writing my book entitled, It Cost Me A Million Dollars To Write This Book: The Insiders Guide to Business Marketing. After I finish that, I will begin writing about this journey I've been on, drawing much from the blogs I've written so far.

I would have never chosen this journey if it was offered to me at any price, but the journey has transformed me.

Thank you for sharing in this catharsis with me. Thank you for sharing in this transformation of my heart and soul, and standing beside me as I process all that has been thrown at me. I cannot tell all of you how much your love, encouragement and support has meant to me. You have truly blessed me. Thank you.

~Robert B. Haase,
A Blessed Man

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