A Plethora of Emotions

I remember going through the divorce process with my girl's mother... It was the most gut-wrenching and emotionally devastating time in my life. Although by God's Grace, we have healed completely, forgiven the past and love each other, that period in time still remains in the periphery of my memories. Memories of pain and sadness. I have never experienced anything like it, until now. 

I can't compare the destruction of an 18-year marriage to fighting cancer, but it is surprising to me just how similar the two seem to be. Although I am incredibly thankful to have Debbie's undeserved forgiveness and restoration of friendship, I have absolutely no desire to make amends with this mean-spirited entity we have come to know as Cancer. He goes by many names. I won't list them here as this blog is read by children and the elderly alike, but he is a bastard. Just saying. Once I beat him, I have no desire to make ammends... the complete and utter destruction and annihilation of our "union" is one I will cherish for the rest of my long life. 

During the divorce, I lost a lot of friendships. Friends who were overwhelmed by feelings of animosity towards me, angry at my part in the divorce. Some who didn't want to "choose sides." A few tried to restore our friendship, but very few, and most unsuccessfully.  I built new friendships during that time, though, and those friendships continue to this day. 

The same thing seems to be happening now in the midst of this cancer. On the upside, I am gaining new friends faster than ever before. People that were total strangers are reaching out in love and support, warming my heart and giving me strength on a daily basis. But sadly, the opposite is true... I'm losing friends. Friends that I was close to and love dearly who have pulled away at the very time I need them most. I don't know if it is fear, uncertainty or that they don't want to be close so it will be easier for them should I lose this battle. Either way it hurts. Like Jesus' story of the shepherd and the 100 sheep... he had 99, but went looking for the one that wandered off. I can't chase and pursue what doesn't want to be found though. I just long and ache for what was. It's been a hard road in so many ways. 

On an up-note... my speaking ability is improving a little everyday. The radiation will likely affect that, but I'll let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm just happy that my voice has hope. Here is a video I shot just this morning...

My wounds are healing well too, although to look a them, it might not be so apparrent. As to not "gross out" those who are queezy, I'll refrain from showing my arm here but will post it to my friends on Facebook instead. (If you want additional details that I don't post here, feel free to friend me on Facebook. The link is below.)

I want to thank the amazing people at Studio B, located here in Olympia, for holding a fundraiser for me this past weekend. They were a huge blessing to me! As the medical bills are starting to come in, their timing couldn't have been more perfect. Please stop by and have them work their magic on you! (Not that my friends need actual magic to look good, of course.)

~Robert B. Haase,
A Blessed Man

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